The Unbearable...Something of Something..

I really thought that the post title would be a riff on "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" and I was going to talk about weight. But then I realized that it sounded lame, hence the vague title.
 
 I used to "joke" (like in high school and college) that I could never have an eating disorder...I like food too much.  Ha, right?  But looking back, I've flirted with eating disorders, in minor forms, in various times in my life. I'm what I call a "stress starver".  When I get REALLY stressed out, don't eat.  Literally. I can go for days eating maybe 100-200 calories a day, if that.  I don't feel hungry, I can still go about my "normal" routines (keeping in mind that during these times, I probably wasn't working out, playing soccer, or doing much of anything physical), and I sleep just fine.
 In addition to all ^that^ my waist defines, my hip bones become prominent, my collarbone, always jutting out, becomes razor-sharp against my skin.  I revel in the fact that I can feel my vertebrae through my t-shirts, and I feel... Light.  Ethereal. Transcendent.

 However, I look...not so great.  My face becomes gaunt, my hair is dry, and my eyes, which I consider the best part of me, become lifeless.

 When I met Babe, I was coming off of the divorce to my son's father.  While Ex and I are friends now, the demise of my marriage wrecked me, and I was around 110...a "healthy" me is 130.  After Babe and  fell in love, moved in together, and became a family, I started putting the weight back on.  The size 2's and 4's that I bought because my 6's and 8's were falling off of me quit fitting...and I was okay with it.  I called it my "happy fat".  I was happy, so I ate--that's a good thing, right?

I wasn't, however, working out (thanks soccer injury and subsequent 4 surgeries!) and then I got pregnant with the girl...I had a healthy pregnancy, only gained 20 pounds, and it was gone by my 6 week post-partum check up.

Crap, I've totally lost the point of this post.  Lemme see if I can find it...

<pause while I check>

Okay, here it is.  Prior to joining getting serious about getting healthy, I was weighing in at 140, I think my highest non-pregnancy weight ever.  I'm 5'3", so I was looking a bit heavy.  I have an "hourglass" figure and I'm built, from the waist down, like a brick shithouse--my legs are usually pretty muscular while I've got big boobs, but I'm small framed up top.  (My 2 year old daughter and I have almost the same-circumfrenced wrists...)

 Somewhere in there, I started playing soccer again, but was eating like crap. Then, I found the "My Fitness Pal" food/calorie tracker on my Droid Market, started tracking calories, then found the actual website.  Since then, I've started doing Turbo Fire, yoga, eating better, and feeling good.

The downside?  I'm starting to feel that ethereal feeling creep into my brain... As I walk to use the restroom that's down the hall from my classroom at school, I look into the HUGE mirror, and revel in the fact that over the course of the school year, my waist has gotten smaller and smaller.  This morning, Bay pushed up my shirt (she likes to look at my tattoos there) and she kept saying "What dat?" while she poked my vertebrae.  It's become a contest with myself to see how many days in a row I can stay below my calorie count.

 I need to remind myself that food=fuel.  I tried to do a 55 minute Turbo Fire workout the other day after not eating breakfast--I was hydrated, thanks to the 40 ounces of water I drank that morning--but I half-assed my way through the workout because I was light-headed.  (I still burned over 400 calories, though...whoopee!) 

I need to figure out a way to not go overboard with my desire to lose 10 (a mere 10!) pounds and remind myself that it's about getting stronger...not light enough to float away.

The Evolution Will Not Be Televised!

(But I am going to blog about it...)

Ahhhhh, New Year's...a time to work off the hangover and make a bunch of resolutions that won't see the light of February.

Or maybe not...

On Facebook yesterday, the founder/owner of Tokyo Joe's (a Japanese-y type of quick food place--think Noodles and Co. but with Asian flavors) posted this: "...and to steal a phrase (thanks Lindsey) ... go make yourself a great NEW YEAR'S "EVOLUTION" ... better than just a Resolution :)
It's Time Out to Re-invent Yourself ... so make 2011 YOUR best year ever."
(Yes, I'm friends with "Tokyo Joe's.)

As cheesy as it sounds, it got me thinking...it shouldn't be about "resolving" to completely change, but life should be about "evolving" into a better you.  I like the idea of evolution--I am a godless heathen after all and I *do* consider Darwin one of my peeps--so if I embrace the thought of evolving into a better AimCo and then take steps (baby steps, mind you) to become the better AimCo, then I really will evolve into a better me by the end of the year.

So, here's what I'm thinking...I want to:

1. Evolve into a better teacher/educator:  I don't phone it in that often--I'm not a teacher that will do the same thing overandoverandover again because I know that it worked once.  However, I'm becoming more disenchanted with the education system--the changes, the battles we fight, the shit teachers take from the media, parents, administrators, the district, the union, the school boards, etc. Instead of just letting the changes happen to me, I want to be a force of change within the system.  Crazy, right? 

How do I do this?  No fucking clue.  ;D  I think my first step is to get my EdS (Education Specialist) degree with the emphasis in education.  I have my Masters, but I think in order to move ahead, I need the admin experience. I DO NOT want to be in administration in the traditional sense of the word--I don't want to be in charge of a building.  I get my feelings hurt too easily to do that, but I think knowing how schools work will help me get out of one.

Another think I need to go to evolve my career is to dump the thankless shit that I do in my building: Student Council, planning the yearly trip, being the "go to" person for everyone.  I need to quit, period.  Frankly, I never get props for it, very few people care, and frankly it takes a ton of time and energy away from other things I could be doing.

2. Evolve into a better wife/mother:  See above.  By letting go of some the things that I do at work, I can focus more energy into my family.  I want more family dinners, I want less time spent on cleaning up the disaster-area my house can become, I want to have more fun and quality time.

In order to do that, I need to be more organized. Today is a start.  I prepped as much food as I could for the week (lots of chopping going on) and labeled everything I could.  I've made a Google calendar with EVERYTHING on it so I know exactly what's going on.  I'm going to plan my clothes for the week so I'm not stressing out about what to wear.  Finally, I'm going to be asleep by 9 (yes, 9!) so I can get up in the morning around 5 and not run around crazy to get ready.  (In order to faciltitate this, there may be some Xanax ingesting, but hey, whatever works, right?)

3. Evolve into a healthier me: I need to become more focused on my health.  See above...that whole meal planning/prepping thing is so we're not eating crap at the last minute because there's nothing in the house.  I'm turning my classroom into a mini-workout studio where I can work out after school on a regular basis.  Once I get home, I'm on mom-duty and I won't work out.  So, in my room it is.  I also ordered a Polar FT7 heart rate monitor so I can track my progress and really see how many calories I'm burning.  Babe and I are also taking a "sober week" once a month to just give our bodies a chance to detox.  Yes, I know if I just avoided alcohol altogether I wouldn't have to worry about it, but I'm vodka's bitch and I just can't quit it. 

Notice how the 3 things fit together?  I figure if I keep with the K.I.S.S. philosophy, I should be able to make some changes and I won't overwhelm my brain.  I'll keep you posted.